Heart
by Bucken-Berry
Summary: He let his mind beat his heart down, but that wasn't going to last forever. George's POV


Disclaimer: don't own

A/N: From George's POV

I don't remember a time when I didn't love him. I'm not going to lie; it wasn't love at first sight. But there was a definite twinge the first time I saw him.

Him. Elliot Stabler. He was the last thing I expected when I was assigned to New York City to set up VI-CAP and profile for the Special Victims Unit.

I was interested, most of all, in the case. It seemed like a normal case, but then it turned out that the attacks were piqueristic. I rarely missed a profile; doing it the first time I was with a new department was embarrassing. I was determined to right the situation.

But the first time I saw Elliot Stabler, I felt something I'd never felt before. His eyes, his passion, his voice, everything. I was almost tempted to corner him after work and kiss him. Almost. But I'm Doctor George Huang, and Doctor George Huang does not show emotion at work, let alone unprofessional ones, let alone love- or whatever that feeling was, before it became love. More than physical attraction, but not love. Just... a spark that hadn't become a flame yet.

We fought from the first profile. He's too hot-tempered, I'm too cold and stoic. At first, I hoped it was just that I was new, but a year went by and I still hadn't gained his trust.

The Brodus case changed that. I told him to follow procedure; he was so determined to get Brodus to confess, that he let a prisoner use his cell phone. Who did the rapist call? One of his victims, naturally. I was surprised that Elliot wasn't fired or suspended. He begrudgingly began to respect my opinion after that.

Then we interrogated Brodus himself. He played his part beautifully, but Brodus was, quite frankly, smarter than both of us combined. He threw the table at Elliot and then attacked me. The last thing I saw was him, flying at me and his hands wrapping around my throat. Then I woke up in the hospital with a pounding headache. If he'd gotten a few more seconds, I could have had brain damage, but fortunately I just needed to stay overnight.

I was thoroughly shocked when Elliot came to visit me. But I couldn't talk to him. I felt like I'd failed him. I don't express my emotions, but I do feel them- even the irrational ones. And I had a definite irrational feeling of guilt right then. I couldn't fight back against Brodus and Elliot could easily have ended up worse than me.

I couldn't face him yet. I had my back to him and I pretended to be asleep. Elliot sat down next to me and gave a despondent sigh. Then he reached out a hand and gently touched the bandage on the back of my head. I could have sworn my heart stopped. Was he showing love? Affection? Or something else?

"I'm so sorry, Doc. I insisted on interrogating him and you paid the price. I almost got you killed... I'm sorry. I'm never going to put someone else in danger again," He whispered.

I had never been a spontaneous person before. But I was gripped with the desire to turn around and kiss him. Tears formed in my eyes, the desire was so strong. But I stayed still. As always, I let my mind beat my heart into submission.

I had never felt regret like I did when he left the room.

Years passed, after that. Elliot and I continued clashing, though we did have a greater level of respect for each other. Every day I saw him, I wanted to tell him I loved him. But I didn't. I just told myself that I would the next day. There was always something in the way. There were too many people around, a case had come up, he had to be with his kids, I had to babysit my nieces and nephews. I just kept waiting.

My chance finally came, in the least expected way. There was a terrible, tragic case. All our cases are tragic, but this one had the rare distinction of traumatizing the detectives. A man had started a cult, and had gotten many women and children to join. Many of those children ended up being killed. They were so young and innocent; they deserved so much better than to be shot by someone their mothers said was safe. Not for the first time, I wondered how the detectives- not to mention myself- held up so well under the constant strain of these tragedies.

I gave psych evaluations to everyone on the squad, with the expected results. Olivia was very open with me; I felt a wave of sympathy for her as she broke down. But like I told her, the talking was crucial and her ability to open up was sign that she could, in fact, cope. Fin was also open and ended up taking leave, which I think was the right choice, He definitely needed to reconnect with his son before coming back. Munch was sarcastic and deflective as always, but eventually I broke through his wall and he admitted that he could, in fact, still feel.

That left Elliot. I wasn't surprised that he chose to vent his anger at me. He was always displacing his anger, and I was a good target because I rarely lost it. The only time I did lose it was when he violated someone's human rights and tricked me into doing something illegal.

He was hostile from the start, snapping responses at me and barely answering my questions. He definitely wasn't coping with this. His love for his children interfered with his job on occasion; this was one of those times.

I gave up and told Elliot he could go. Then I walked into Captain Cragen's office. It was late at night by then, so at least when Elliot was taken off the case, he'd have somewhere to go.

"What do you think?" He asked me.

I took a deep breath. "Detective Benson should be fine. I'm worried about Detective Munch, but I think he's okay, too. Detective Tutuola wants to take leave before returning to work, and I agree that he should."

"What about Elliot?"

I gave a deep sigh. "He's clearly traumatized by what he saw and is struggling to cope, but as per usual, he won't accept help. I think we need to pull him off the case."

Cragen nodded solemnly. "I'll call him in."

Elliot stormed into the office and I could just see the fury in his eyes when he saw me. He looked so hurt, and I felt guilty, but I couldn't let him spiral out of control. I forced myself to keep my face blank as he yelled at me. He stalked out of the door, looking livid and, quite frankly, terrifying.

I retreated warily into my office and sat down, thinking of ways to explain things to Elliot. Before I knew it, an hour had gone by.

A knock sounded and Cragen opened the door. "Why are you still here?" Captain Cragen asked from the doorway. I jolted slightly, startled by the sudden noise, and then turned and met his gaze. "I believe I told you that you were to go home. Staying here isn't going to make him open up," Cragen said sternly.

"I know, captain. I just..." I trailed off.

"Love him and are trying to patch things up between the two of you?" Cragen supplied.

I blinked in surprise; I wasn't used to being analyzed. "What? How-"

"I don't need to be the FBI's best forensic psychiatrist to know when two people love each other but are determined not to let the other know," Cragen said simply.

I blinked again. "Two people?" My heart started beating quickly in hopeful anticipation.

Don nodded affirmatively. "Maybe you're so determined not to get your hopes up that you're not paying attention. Elliot's trying to hide it because he doesn't want to find out that he's bisexual after all these years. You're hiding it because even though you've accepted what being gay means, you don't want to ruin the working relationship you have, in case he gets offended."

I laughed wryly. "You're sure you aren't an FBI psychiatrist too? You know more than half the agents I trained with at Quantico."

Don smiled slightly before turning serious again. "I'm sure. But give it a try, George. You'll both be happier if you do, and you both deserve to be happy," Don informed me.

"Thanks, captain," I said softly. Don walked out the door silently. I looked down at my desk with a sigh. I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or upset at Cragen's words. I wasn't used to being shrinked- shrunk- but it was almost nice to have someone know my thoughts and emotions.

I sighed again and walked towards the locker room. Elliot was still there, and I was shocked to see the tears falling down his face. A stab of guilt appeared, but I ignored it. I couldn't let Elliot push himself to a breakdown.

I walked in hesitantly. "Elliot."

He looked up and glared at me. "What do you want?"

I began to doubt what Cragen had said. I saw and heard something beneath the surface, but I didn't have the energy to try and figure out what it was. I swallowed nervously and took a deep breath. "I just want to talk to you."

"I did that earlier and it got me thrown off the case!"

"Which is exactly why you should listen now," I pointed out. He grumbled something and shook his head.

"Elliot, I have seen you bottle everything up inside. I've seen the pain in your eyes, whenever there's a child who's a victim. I know you feel like you can't talk to your wife, but you need to talk to someone... it doesn't even have to be me." I sucked in a breath, trying to ignore the pain my thoughts were causing. "I know you don't like me. I know I seem to represent qualities you hate. I accept that. But please, don't run yourself into the ground."

I set a hand awkwardly on his shoulder and made to leave.

Suddenly, his hand covered mine. He turned awkwardly to face me. "Doc, I'm sorry. I do... I do like you. But you have to understand, it's bad enough seeing those kids... I just want to forget this ever happened. And you won't let me do that. Please don't remind me," He implored.

"Elliot," I murmured, "Would you let a rape victim forget it? No, I know-" I said quickly to forstall a protest- "I know you aren't in that position. But regardless of the trauma, the rule is the same. You have to heal, not ignore it."

"I just... that could have been one of my kids!"

I shook my head. "No, it couldn't, because you and your wife are good parents. You wouldn't let that happen to your kids."

"But," Elliot argued, "It didn't happen this time, but it could happen another time. And... Doc, Kathy is leaving me. I'm not going to get to see my kids much. The only way I know I can keep them safe is by being at their side constantly."

"I'm not a father, but I do get afraid for my sister and her children sometimes. You just have to accept that you can't keep everyone safe."

Elliot sighed and looked down. I made to leave again, but once more, Elliot pulled me towards him. "Doc, thanks."

"No problem," I said smoothly. Elliot leaned over and, nonchalantly, kissed my cheek.

I touched the spot and looked at him incredulously. "Why did you do that?"

He gave a shrug. "Because I wanted to thank you."

For the first time, I couldn't stop myself. "Is that all?" I asked, unable to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

"Did you want more?" He asked seriously. I looked into his face. I didn't see any sign of rejection, but still... this was Elliot Stabler I was talking to. How could I...?

I looked into his eyes. I swear, those eyes were the most amazing blues in the world. I made my decision quickly. "Yes, Elliot, I do want more. I think you're straight, but I at least owe you the truth... I've had feelings for you. For a few years."

Elliot inhaled sharply. "I, I usually am straight. But, I have feelings for you."

"Do you... want to be with me?" I asked hopefully.

"I think so," He replied. I gave a tiny smile and leaned in for that first kiss. It was sweet and soft, comforting and tender. It was so perfect.

I smiled and pulled away. "Would you like to come home with me?"

"I..." He took a moment to decide. Then he grinned. "Not like I have anything else to do. You have to be better than some romantic comedy."

"Thanks, I think," I teased. He followed me out of the room and we drove home.

We didn't plan on having sex that night, but that's what happened. An erotic kiss became more. I was shocked when Elliot actually asked me to top. I wondered if it was experience or something else. I was surprised, either way, but everything about that day had been unexpected.

Our lovemaking was passionate, but not rough. I was gentle with him, remembering how painful the first time could be. When I pulled out, he rested his head against my chest and sighed happily, telling me that he'd wanted this for a long time. I was quick to agree.

"I love you," Elliot whispered.

I smiled at him. "I love you too."

Elliot smiled into my chest and closed his eyes, falling asleep quickly. I stayed up for a while, watching him sleep and letting my thoughts roam.

The buildup to this had taken such a long time, but I wouldn't change a thing. I stroked Elliot's hair and drifted off, excited for our life together. It wouldn't be easy, there was no denying that, but it would be worth it.


End file.
